"terri's loves" cont.

it's like when i was about six , or seven--i'll never forget-- one day in the summer i was out playing , riding my bike and had gone farther from home by myself than i ever had before . my mom and dad had always warned me to stay nearby , but when you're a kid you always manage to lose things or forget things that later you know you shouldn't.

as i went along on the bike that day even the pattern of houses had changed as the homes were larger , the driveways deeper and yards grew larger more spacious.

the strangest thing to me was that there were no kids to be seen playing out in the streets like in our neighborhood where excepting for dinner time , you always saw kids.

some of the houses had these tall , black iron gates in front of them like tall iron spears connected horizontally together--some yards had big white , or tan brick walls around them .

i stopped at one of them that just grabbed your eye and noticed that it looked different because it had these raised bricks on the front as probably as some kind of decorative patterns.

i said to myself those raised bricks looked like just the right size and were close enough together for you to stand on.

I saw them as steps on the way up. it was like your mind could connect the dots and see a pattern and then the world just narrowed and all you cared about was directly in front of you . and the importance of everything else sort of diminished and receded to background for a while , and suddenly , you knew just
from looking at it and picturing it in your head that the connections could be made --the puzzle could be solved and it all made perfect sense--you knew you could see a logical bridge and the wall could be climbed --from point a-- to point b-- to point c -- you could see that all of this made sense in your head--“it makes sense “--you say to yourself.

even when you're all grown up , even now you can still see things like this in other places --in other things and how the plan all fits together --how it all seems to call to you and invite you in for the ride because to your eyes --it all so clearly just makes sense --and so you get that thrill of the challenge rising up inside--like the promise of adventure and you know that no matter what --you're going to go for it ---and maybe know that maybe no one but you is really going to care that you did , but so what? --you did it anyway. it's your little adventure . your little victory . just for you .something you did just for your own personal satisfaction.


the next thing you know , you're climbing on the raised bricks using them like handholds and little steps for your feet. before you knew it --surprising yourself , you had climbed over the wall and jumped down to the other side , and now you were in .

no sooner than your feet had hit the ground you hear them running up from out of nowhere --or perhaps you were thinking with such intensity that you just didn't notice them --dogs .

guard dogs and they're charging towards you and you have no idea what to do . you know that if you don't get away from those big canine teeth that somehow it's going to be the end of little you.

you are so afraid you shake and maybe even start to wet your pants a little , but there's no time to even think --just a split second to react --and that's when it happens-- something snaps --you actually feel it almost like a popping in the ears and the face and temples .

you can actually see yourself helpless , and standing there like part of your awareness jumps outside of you and leads you by the hand , or sits up on your shoulder and grabs you by the ear and you're sort of watching it all unfold while you're secure like a witness in a safe place and you're not your body anymore --you're just along for the ride as the experience happens to your body almost like being awake in a dream , but not quite sure that you're dreaming . but you know you’re not yourself--you're someone watching you like in a movie theater seeing a movie of your life and you're the audience cheering on the actor playing you.

and you don't know quite how you did it but suddenly you're back up looking down at those dark round circle eyes , looking at all those white snapping teeth and listening to those snarling foaming mouths from up on top that wall --your body is shaking and you're sweating bullets . you can feel your underwear are wet --your throat is dry and you can't cry , your mouth can't utter a sound because you aren't in ‘there’ any more --you’re somewhere outside of THAT you.

you're in the movie theater in the multiplex watching somebody that looks like you playing you in the movie about you. the movie that's playing in the theater you now occupy and watch on the screen from 10 rows back.

i rode my bike home that day after the adventure with the dogs , burst into the kitchen and told my mom that "those damn mutts almost got me " . later she told me i cursed in almost every sentence i spoke for the rest of that day .

my parents were flabbergasted--i had never dared to use any foul language in front of them before --or since . my mom probably sensed that something was wrong when she saw that i had wet my clothing . she gave me a bath then wrapped me in a big towel and held me on her lap in her arms and just rocked me for a long long time until i went to sleep . i slept all that afternoon and evening and woke up early the next morning .

that's how it was in the bank that day.

"it's the bank's money , it's not your money--you're not losing anything --your money's insured " the dark ski mask kept saying --later while i'm driving the car and thinking that as much work as i had to do-- maybe some of the money SHOULD be mine .I’m thinking , “hey screw you dillinger , i did at least as much work as that sad-assed partner of yours."

i told bob on the phone that i was tired and going home --i didn't care about the job--my shot at manager --the office politics --or even that bitch janice showing me up again and getting the power point presentation over me . none of that held vital importance anymore.

i went home , turned the key , walked inside and dropped everything --shoes , purse ,clothes , jewelry --everything at the door. climbed the stairs , climbed into the tub and soaked for hours in the hottest water i could stand--but even that wasn't enough. it couldn't shock me back into the old reality. i don't think anything --nothing that i could think of anyway , could jolt me back into the old way that i had felt when i had left the house that morning . the old terri was gone--retired --"out of office"--no longer in power--coup d'etated -- held prisoner in the old presidential palace-- and we both knew it .