panya wangari --twin leopard
Sunday, May 20, 2007
panya
Panya awakes from her deep dreamless slumber . The tiny soft glow of the camping lamp greets her eyes . Her mind rapidly becoming aware of the surroundings and their situation . . She reaches for her pistol , checking to see if it is still there . The chill of the late spring's night air is felt on her now exposed arms , shoulders , and breasts . Seeing the oversized fleece shirt and the rest of her clothing neatly folded on the floor of the vehicle near her , she grabs the shirt and pulls on the garment over her head .
The elder is not in the vehicle . In her mind she feels a bit of confusion along with a twinge of concern . She wonders where he could be . She quickly pulls on her fatigue pants and her running sandals . Concealing the pistol beneath her clothing , she steps out of the vehicle into the night chill and looks around .
The lights of cars and trucks approaching and departing the highway rest stop will continue the entire night and begin to increase again shortly after dawn , but she can easily see that the rate and volume of this traffic has now significantly decreased compared to their arrival . A river barge leisurely chugs its way downstream . It's yellowish lights rippling across the black water and its horn's muted cry give a lonely , eerie effect .
Checking her fatigue pockets for her sports watch she sees by the dial's blue-green glow that it is 2: 35 AM .
She realizes that she has been asleep for several hours . But where is the elder ? The lights from the highway , the twinkling glow from the dark river , the rows of little railway bridge beacons , the stars across the canopy of darkness , all still dreamily combine for a lulling , very soothing effect , but she must find the elder . He is her first responsibility and it's not like him to leave without informing her of his whereabouts .
She sees a figure approaching . This could be him . One arm is pressed close to his side as if he is carrying something beneath it . He draws closer and she relaxes her grip on the pistol butt . She smiles a half relieved , half annoyed smile .
" Where have you been ? I thought I was going to have to launch a ' search and rescue ' . " she gently scolded .
"Well , the Sleeping Beauty has finally awaken " , he teases .
"Enjoy your rest ? "
"Yes , thank you " , she replies with obvious gratitude , " I feel exquisite " .
Stepping forward , she embraces him .
Aware of her warmth and the feel , through the fleece shirt , of her breasts softly pressing against him , he immediately knows she has left off her blouse and sports bra . He tries to maintain his composure . Feeling also her pistol against him , he reminds himself to stay focused .
She is aware of what must be a folded news paper beneath his arm and deduces a motive for his leaving .
" Do they mention us in the papers ? "
"No , not a word " , he responds quietly . " Checked the radio too , not a peep either ." A knowing glance between them , even in the dark can be recognized .
Currently listening :
Moonglow
By Dakota Staton
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
panya --continued
Returning to the van they sit for a moment , each drifting in thought as the new string of lights streaming , paired with sound of the rhythmic , "Cah-dup-cah-dup...cah-dup-cah-dup...cah-dup-cah-dup ..." , rushing across the railroad bridge , echoing in the distance against the night air , signals the passing of another train .
Panya and the elder sit watching as the train goes by. The sight and sounds and vibration of the train all seem to pull each of them for a moment along with it , away from their thoughts and into their emotions . A penetrating isolation soon arises that they both can uneasily sense .
He briefly recalls the heady expectations he often felt as a young man , traveling south by train on weekends and semester breaks , to visit his love at her school . He wonders what has happened to her over so many years and if now she ever thinks of him -- as he sometimes does of her -- in unexpected moments such as this .
Panya thinks of her future , of where she is going and where she would like to be . So many goals she has set for herself , goals that she is determined to reach -- but... After she arrives there , " Then what ? Even when we reach our goals , it's never exactly as we planned . " Already she realizes that there is always some unforeseen little surprises that even if pleasant , are still surprises .
"From the very first days of the railroads , " the elder wonders from much farther now inside his head , "did its inventors have any clue of the unspoken and sad effect that the sight of a train in motion could so often produce ? " His melancholy begins pulling him even deeper within his thoughts and subsequent feelings .
Panya , to relieve the uncomfortable sense of remoteness that has crept over them , turns the Element's ignition key to power the radio . Searching through the stations with the volume low she lands on a melodious sound of flowing piano on which she allows the selection button to rest .
Something they both can appreciate knowing the elder's aversion to much of what indelicately passes as music these days .
" Poinciana , " the elder recognizes the musical piece and then names it .
" Excuse me ? " Panya gently inquires .
"The name of the song playing , is 'Poinciana ' , that's Ahmed Jamal ," he responds.
" His signature song . The one he's most known for --but he did a lot , lot more than this . Miles Davis said he was one his biggest influences --he was into that understated thing that Miles was into .
He recorded this one several times. It's nice . Mellow . "
She turns the volume up slightly as the light , fresh , melodic piano sprinklings effortlessly entwined around the rhythmic pulsations of this timeless selection begins to fill their awareness . The double beat of the bottom rhythm reflects a heartbeat . It gradually weaves into time with each of their own as entrainment occurs pulling their own heart beatings together in unison with the music's .
They are silent as the music carries them along , pulling them fully into its graceful currents . With each pulsation the inevitable re-approaches as they both begin to rediscover the effect that the need for companionship and the awareness of the warmth of another already familiar human being can rekindle . Together , they sigh .
Before the song is half way across its journey through memories , their fingers manage to find each other for linkage and their hands , for holding . Before the music reaches its impulsive almost whimsical conclusion the sentiment of the mood has caused their lips to approach each others in at first , light brushing together , and then warm , more tender connections .
Their kissing is not frenzied or impassionate at first , not for a while . Its beginnings has a more tentative aspect -- a more ' kiss and make up ' allusion to it that neither seems to know exactly why is there or how to proceed beyond . Neither seems willing to jeopardize this return to desired levels of intimacy by proving to be too forceful , too zealous -- though each knows the other impatiently wants to .
It is almost as if they feel that they have already done something wrong --breached some unwritten barrier --know they are again , as before , being pulled beyond their limits of restraint , but this time as in all preceding occasions , do not wish to force themselves -- if possible -- to stop .
Currently listening :
Ahmad Jamal at the Pershing: But Not for Me
By Ahmad Jamal
Friday, May 25, 2007
panya --part 3
The kisses grow less frequent in number as their duration increases , the emotions intensify . Short , playful little embouchures inserted between the longer ones . The two of them feel as if they are flowing , slowly circling . Or is it the world around them spinning ? Neither of them cares as they become more and more enclosed within a tender world of their own creation .
Concerns fade and fall away . Fears and worries are put on hold , and evaporate , as the growing warmth within them heightens . Captivated by the various hues held within her darker skin tones his eye becomes aware even of her pores beginning to enlarge and open as her emotions arouse and her skin becomes more pliable , smooth and elastic as an indicator of her increasing affection .
The fragrance of her shampoo greets his nostrils as the oils of her scalp increase their presence and her glands activate , releasing hormones throughout her system . Changing not only is her appearance and her aroma , but also her chemical make up undergoes a delicate shift as her passions begin to take fire and build in depth .
They break for a pause and must delay again from leaving each other's eyes -- surveying the effect , the sweet devastation they have wreaked upon each other . They are both forced to weakly smile , each shyly recognizing the unmistakable vulnerability they have caused in the other . She tilts her head to her right , his left , as he compatibly mirrors for her , the opposite . Their necks slowly lean faces forward for lips to make their delightful re-acquaintance .
She extends her tongue and in the space between kisses traces over his lips with her pinkness , first the upper then his lower . The after a pause in which he only smiles lovingly towards her , she grows more impatient and gently nibbles upon his lower lip with her teeth and caresses it with her tongue . She cups first her right hand upon his face while she plants a kiss and then her left hand as both hands attempt to capture and surround his mouth leaving his lips available to hers .
The warmth of her soft hands , the taste of her lips and slow tickle of her tongue have a dizzying outcome upon him . Again he sighs as they temporarily emerge for air and then submerge into even deeper passions.
Made bolder by impatience , she presses her tongue between his lips and into his mouth . Desire melting her inhibitions , she explores the warm softness within his mouth , gliding past the smooth hardness of his teeth in search of his tongue . She draws closer as her extended tongue dances lightly over his own , as if to tempt it to come out and play.
Still not receiving the response she wants , Panya , without breaking contact is up and spreading her legs . She now straddles him with one knee on either side of him . Leaning her face and upper body at a downward angle and bending deeply at the waist , her soft hands continue cupping his face while her kisses grow more forceful , more insistent as a heated urgency within her begins to build .
Looking into his face , she pauses relishing in the sight of his closed eyes vulnerability , his emotional openness to her . Smiling she playfully whispers , " You gonna make me work for it this time , huh? Make me draw it out of you ? Ok , I like the challenge . It's exciting . I find it excites me ."
Gazing hungrily , almost defiantly into his eyes , she begins again her assault , pouring all of the fire of all her awakening passions into each kiss . The aroma of her growing arousal now suggestively fills both their noses as well as the van .
Currently listening :
Greatest Love Songs
By Will Downing
Sunday, May 27, 2007
panya --part 4
"Panya " , he manages to hesitantly verbalize .
"No , don't . " , she anticipates his pronouncement .
"You're only saying it out of some kind of ' robbing the cradle guilt trip' . I want you to stop beating yourself up elder . It's inappropriate to what is evolving between us . Let what you know is already between us take its course . "
" Look ," she continued as she held his face in her hands , "You denying what you feel is what is NOT 'right' . It's like saying I'm stupid and a victim and ' shame on you lecherous old man ' ... Fooling around with a girl young enough to be your daughter . "
"Perverted old man ." she taunted with feigned indignation and then laughed softly as he dropped his glance downwardly , shame rising .
"You seem to retain value judgments based on previous conditioning . Elder I'm surprised at you . Lose the menial mentality " , she teased while shaking his face from side to side while lifting his bowed head upwards to meet her eyes .
" Of all people , you still are age-ist enough to believe that you are somehow 'taking advantage' of my youthful inexperience ? " her incredulity evident in her tone .
" Elder , I'm flattered at you wanting to 'protect' me from the 'dirty old man ' in you . And your concern for others --in denying your own potential happiness to preserve the flower and innocence of youth is soooo sweet , " she teased as she loudly made a smacking noise with her lips against his as a reward , " But , might I remind you ' Old Sir ' , who in this vehicle has the higher IQ scores ? "
Only silence answers .
"Whoooo ? " she comically exaggerates her demand to a now , also chuckling Sekou .
"You would bring that up again , " he remarks dryly .
Well , it's not like me to brag , being as modest as I am , but I do also hold a higher rank in Akh-ka grappling than you . " she smiles .
"And , what else ? " he asks , growing impatient , after her deliberate pause .
" ' What else ', what ? " she snickers pretending confusion .
"Aren't you forgetting to gloat about your trophies ? " he drolly asks .
"Um... do you mean ALL those chess tournament trophies , that I happen to have won ? she giggles , unable to restrain her laughter , or maintain her mock smirk .
"Um ...yeah , those " , he sarcastically answers .
"Have I ever mentioned those before ? " she pretends .
" Um ... only about 35 times --today . " he retorts as they both laugh together .
" Sekou , " her tone grows more serious . "We share some of the same interests --well except for chess , " she ribs , chuckling again as he rolls his eyes at her .
" We can talk to each other about anything for hours at a time . We make each other laugh . We love each others company . Why can't I convince you there is nothing wrong with us in love with each other ? " her frustration appears as her question re-treads previous ground .
"We're at different phases of the life cycle , " he tries to answer . " You are a young woman , you should be free to enjoy the things young women do . Not hanging around somebody who will be a senior citizen while you are still a young woman . "
" I'd never have thought you as one to cry about his age -- throw in the towel and give up --or should I say ' throw in the ' Depends ' and give up . Well then , if things get so bad that I can't handle it , I'll just leave . " she says with a hint of anger at him , with each knowing she does not mean it .
"No one my age appeals to me like you do. There's a genuineness in you , a down to earth , grounded quality in you that is so calming to me , so gentle , open and sweet . You 'get ' me like no one else does and you know I 'get' you . I call you ' elder ' out of respect , but you of all people know that I was born an old soul --just like you . Your Ka and mine must have known each other , loved each other in a previous time . So stop fighting me . Unless the ' Great Sekou ' fears being conquered by a 24 year old . "
He makes a sucking noise with his teeth at her ' Great Sekou ' remark , but tries again to clearly verbalize his way through conflicting emotions . " These are probably the most care free years you will enjoy for the next 20 to 30 years of your life . These are still your exploration --find yourself -years . By us being at different stages of the life cycle , Panya there are experiences that I've already had that you haven't yet and you would be denying yourself a world of experience by us being together . Experiences that you would learn valuable life-lessons from . "
"Sekou , everyone knows that experience is not the best teacher --experience is the most painful teacher . I am 24 but I found myself a long time ago. I also went through the mind cleansing process when I was 16 --much younger than you --even if you are one of its team developers . The slave mentality now may be even more effectively exorcised from my personality than yours . My virtuosity may be more exceptional than yours or any of the other developers on the discovery team --You yourself gave me the aptitude tests --You know for yourself what removing the white supremacist / black slave mentality has done for me -- you know what it can do for any of our people . You know from 'experience' that my own self esteem and composure are as impeccable as your own --you saw that today . All of the gifts are functioning in me . I'm 24 but there are areas in which I have already passed you --don't be afraid of me , elder . Don't be afraid of what I know you feel for me . What you feel for me I feel for you . You ain't fooling around with a young girl because I'm not a girl and I'm definitely NOT FOOLING . I mean to win your heart --and you don't stand a chance . "
She smiles adoringly at him and he does adore her --even if she manages to scare him at times .
" To find happiness , one must follow the heart . As long as it does no harm -- to follow the heart leads to the god-ness inside us all - Standards of Perfecting ", she repeats .
And along with the hungry lioness look cast deep into his eyes , the Simba flings both arms around his neck and whispers , " Trust me to know where my own heart leads ."
Currently listening :
The Best of Lee Morgan
By Lee Morgan
Monday, May 28, 2007
panya -part 5
" Where your heart leads ? Your heart lead you all up on me like this ? " his playful sarcasm returns .
"Get used to it . " she smiles .
" So it's like I don't have any say in the matter ? " he joked .
"No , you don't , " she laughs , " so get used to the idea ."
The kissing resumes . First tenderly and then with growing intensity that builds to a passionate ferocity .
She smoothes her hands across his chest , her arousal increasing to the limits of her restraint . He lightly touches her face and she trembles as shivers of anticipation rush through her awareness .
She again flings her arms around him as he caresses her face , the sides of her neck . She straightens her back , leans forward , throws her arms over him pulling his face into her breasts . She kisses him on the forehead , the top of his head and ears while crushing his face against her breasts .
She turns her hips and slides her legs to the side as she manages her way off of the seat and crouches into the back of the vehicle where he had earlier massaged her .
Pulling him by his hand after her , she impatiently coaxes , "Come here " . She is on the sleeping bags , laying down and stretched out , on her back invitingly . She grinds her hips against him impatiently as he joins her on the vehicle floor .
Arm around her neck as her pillow , he pulls her closer , kisses her deeply . His tongue invades the space between her lips and caresses her own . Her mouth is wet , juicy and waiting .
Her tongue rushes forward to meet his to caress it , to entangle it with hers . As he pulls her closer , she moans deeply and low , like a growl seeming to emanate from her middle , but starting from a place within her emotions , much deeper .
Breathlessly , desperately she whispers her demands , "I want you . Fuck me now . "
He smiles at her impatience , "Is that an order ? " he grins .
"Dammit , old man ," she smiles . " Stop teasing me and get to work ."
She buries her face into his neck , planting wet kisses interspersed between gentle bites .
She sucks hard upon the skin and flesh of his neck the way she knows that he likes . She uses suction and her teeth to leave her mark -- the reddish purple bruise of a lover's bite on the soft portion of his neck that never sees a razor .
"Ahhh , you done done it now , girl , " he jokes , feeling his neck . "Can't nothing save you . "
"Do I look like I'm running , " Panya calmly retorts while quickly pulling off her shirt .
Her breasts spring freely , her large nipples , round and erect like chocolate brown erasers on brand new pencils .
Awed by her beauty , he whispers to Panya , "You ' bout to git got . "
Sliding out of her fatigues and panties in one move , she taunts , "No , you the one 'bout to git got " . Laying back with legs spread wide it was her turn to tease .
"Now git to gottin' , old man . "
Suspecting now , that he may be in water over his head , the elder notes the quirk of fate , the radio playing softly as the background to their lovemaking another old song that he recognizes .
" So come on let it happen ,
Open up your heart
Cherish every second
Let the magic start
Baby we can make it
If we take the chance
We can live the music
Never stop the dance
Oh , Sweet thing
Don't you see what we're beginning
Is for me and you
So come on through
And fall into the spell .
Darling , what a brand new day
We're starting
That could last forever ,
I guess that only time alone will tell ,
But I believe we'll both agree this night we fell "
" That was ' This Night We Fell ' by Heatwave on ' The Smooth Ride for Lovers ' with Gloria Riverside your over night companion on radio station W-E-C-U -- ' We See You ' --Through the morning rush , all through your day and all through the night with your favorite love music , the sounds you love to love -- 109 FM . "
Currently listening :
The Best of Heatwave: Always & Forever
By Heatwave
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
panya -- part 6
Panya had not told the elder , perhaps one day she would , but she really did not think it necessary at this moment to reveal what in her heart had turned her towards him long ago. She was sixteen and a very chunky , physically awkward teen . She was clearly very bright , very shy and even more self conscious .
The elder was the very first person she had met who did not treat her as if she were a bad person , or weak or somehow flawed because of her weight difficulties .
She recalls his patience while listening to her mother's expressed concerns over her daughter's growing weight problem . At school she had been belittled by other students for years and some well meaning adults , trying to be helpful , would offer her treats of more food to comfort her bruised ego and empty platitudes such as , "But at least you seem light on your feet " , or "Big girls are beautiful too. "
But it was the elder , through speaking to her mother , not even directing his words to Panya , marginally aware of her presence in the next room , who had the greatest effect upon her and triggered her ultimate motivation to change .
"Your daughter may be like a lot of our people in the western world , " he explained .
"Wounded self esteem expresses itself in building up protective layers as a defense to keep out the pain . When a person like her totally gets the black slave /white supremacist mentality completely out of their system and their self esteem experiences sufficient repair , the psyche is then freed to exist in a state of peace profound instead of fear --peace being the natural healthy state of mind in humans ."
" Once that occurs , unshakable esteem arises --also a natural human condition --which leads to effortlessly sustaining the effort necessary to releasing what is innate in humans --unlimited potential expressed in each individual through pursuit of their interests-- leading to unique talent . It's artistic expression --unlocking the unique personal gifts born within everyone "
Panya's mother nodded in agreement thought still possessing a quizzical look on her face . Sensing her uncertainty , the elder went on .
"When we perceive that we are under persistent assault , even if it is only an ego assault , we react as if it were physical assault --Ever seen someone ready to fight over a remark someone else made ?"
"We react to ego assault --attacks on our self esteem as if they were physical assaults on the body and one way of surviving continuous physical assault--a siege -- is a preoccupation with food as an unconscious defense mechanism against starvation --which is what an enemy in war would possibly try to do to victims ."
" Lack of food is perceived in our minds as leading to death , so eating more than we need or the continuous urge for snacking can be an unconscious response to the knowledge that we are under a form of assault . With the dead processed foods this society feeds on guaranteeing nutritional deficiency-- that combined with wounded ego-- could easily be the driving force behind many weight problems rather than 'sluggish thyroids ' --All the root causes of the disorder must be completely dug up , exposed to the sunlight and dried out --Pulverized into dust and harmlessly blown away --Completely gone forever --in order to make permanent and positive change ."
Panya looked up from the book she was reading in the kitchen and considered skeptically at first , what the elder was saying , as he went on .
" Damaged self esteem could also manifest in greed , or hoarding of wealth , or in the pettiness we call 'Crabs in a barrel mentality ' --laziness --apathy--meaningless sexual escapades --spousal abuse -- all sorts of self destructive behaviors --Behaviors contemptuous of the inherent value of life and the priceless-ness of another human being --driving cars too fast , or drug , or alcohol abuse , chronic depression , or schizophrenic behaviors --In my own case history , excessive involvement in high adrenaline activities and blood sports-- Any thing self destructive of healthy mind , body and spirit , or the sabotaging of the attainment of normal goals in healthy adults could be likely results of the slave mentality covertly expressing itself thorough actions ultimately destructive of the individual or destructive of the relationships that individual is involved in . "
As Panya now intently listened , he continued .
" In my own case history , I believe it was the reasons for my failures to build a successful relationship with any of my former wives . "
He dropped his head as sadness momentarily clouded his face .
"But it was from that pain that I drew the resolve to examine my own life , ask questions and make observations that led to the Mind Cleansing discovery . "
"Why do some of our people seem unable to resist petty crime that results in incarceration ? Why would a young person with everything going for them turn to drugs or alcohol ? Why do some people lie again and again when they don't have to , or deface and vandalize their own communities , when there is no acceptable reason ? "
The elder went on to ask Panya's mother .
"Why in so many of our communities do people throw trash on the ground --like we aren't supposed to live in cleanliness ? It all returns back to the self destructive mind set that we have absorbed into our culture after centuries of contact with the white supremacist / black slave mind set that we must completely get from under our skins , totally remove , entirely vacuum out the residue --Absolutely invalidate it till it's null and void --And when we do that --You can see an entirely new person emerge --like a beautiful butterfly from its cocoon-- A totally new order of being untainted by the mind disease of inferiority-- neither believing ones self or any other selves innately inferior , or superior . "
" It's then sister Wangari , that a person finds herself totally transformed for the better . As old self destructive habits and the beliefs that were behind those old habits crumble like dust and fall harmlessly away . And in time you'll see it sister Wangari , in time you most certainly will --I believe it all the way down to the marrow in my bones that we will redeem ourselves and win this thing . "
Panya remembers her mother seeming less than convinced while Panya herself felt as if she were on fire . For her it was the beginning of her transformation . It was the moment of her awakening in which someone finally spoke to her soul saying exactly what she has suspected, but up until this moment , no one had ever vocalized .
It was the needed leverage that tipped the scales that carried her over to the other side -- beginning her journey back home to her natural mind in a new world that she and others like her were being called to build --being called by their own nature --their own aptitudes and abilities crying out for expression --as well as crying out for a world that would allow , encourage , cultivate , appreciate and celebrate the unimpeded expression of those abilities .
For Panya , after this incident, losing the weight was easy . Losing all desire for unnecessary foods and nutrition-less meals , she found permanent slimness to successfully be hers .
She began walking every day and drinking more water . She cut out processed foods along with white sugar , bleached rice , white flour , and red meat .
She significantly reduced her consumption of fish and poultry and fresh fruit became her favorite snack and dessert .
Her diet soon reached its present consistency of two thirds raw organic fruits and vegetables .
She found herself gravitating towards the daily practice of yoga and meditation . Her inner runner blossomed and she found that she excelled at martial arts .
People felt her presence where ever she went . She glowed , exuding pure health and vitality . She had been awakened .
Currently listening :
Transformation
By Lonnie Liston Smith
Thursday, May 31, 2007
her own ' Panyan Realm '
"The awakening of our people is our mission in life . " She could recall overhearing from the next room , the elder explaining this again and again in discussions with her mother and circles of friends .
"We want to create a new order of being . The nu Nubian Black man and woman who are grounded in the great past of black people , but with our minds in the present and actively building the future . Actively building this new world that we wish to enjoy ," he had replied in answer to their repeated questions .
" We are no martyrs and our work needs none . We operate from and are motivated by rational self interest . We want to live in that new world of which we dream -- the world that we are working so hard and so joyously to bring into reality. This is why we emphasize business and trade because through answering to the pressures of survival , we blacks first proliferated out of Africa and across what is now the middle East , through southern Asia and the far East and the Pacific."
" Through answering the economic pressures of survival we discovered agriculture and metallurgy and writing -- we discovered all of the arts basic to civilization and then built upon them to expand them into the sciences , " he remarked , causing young Panya to simmer with a glowing enthusiasm her mother and her mother's friends seemed at the time , only dimly able to match .
She remembers listening to their discussions and then silently screaming inside her head , " Don't you people get it ? Don't you understand what he's saying ? Because I damn sure do ! We've been lied to about who we are and what we have done . We built the world's civilization but the world all turned on us and one by one , brought us down and took away our accomplishments . Then they even tried to erase our memory of our own accomplishments --make us forget who we are , and forget the great things we have done and can do -- but always --always --they always knew who we were and what we have the potential to do. So they feared us --even while pointing their fingers , laughing at the self-hating ignorant slaves that they made ."
By now as an adult she had heard the elder speak many times , but still drew inspiration from the words she had heard again and again until absorbed almost verbatim into her cellular DNA . She concisely "got it " and obviously in her head , the message stuck .
" We want to transform this world --but understand that what is wrong with this world is primarily the mind set of its people . The menial , self doubting , self loathing , self sabotaging , irrational , subservient mentality must be thoroughly rooted out , its miserable existence totally extinguished and then completely replaced by an enduring , imperturbable oasis of completely healthy self esteem , generously giving genesis to the enormously peaceful calm and rationality that is our natural state . "
Panya , from deep understandings , could now recite the words and express the ideas as if they were her own .
"From that oasis proceeds bulletproof , unimpeachable , forever validated self esteem which perfectly triggers the unleashing of human potential . We first create the change in ourselves that we wish for others . That change we wish is to transform any existing sick , obsolete thought processes and putrid underlying beliefs and twisted related values that attempt to some how , some way corrupt , infect and convince us that we are inherently of any less merit , beauty , ability and worth than any others . "
She believed this down into her bones' own marrow to the point where she felt most alive most happy when around those of her people who had most successfully removed the slave mentality and were continuously remaining on guard rooting out its attempted return .
She found as her own understandings and internalizing advanced in these principals of redemption , she lost all desire to kill time , or to waste time , or to waste time bothering with those individuals who did not dearly value their time . "Our's lives being made up only of time --to waste our time is to waste our life --and your life is the best thing you got --Standards of Perfecting ".
Just as she absolutely lost all desire for consuming more food than her body needed to be healthy and energetic , she also forever lost all desire for appeasing or in any way ingratiating herself with her oppressors as well as losing all appetite for winning their approval .
Equally surprising , she lost all desire to consume precious time with those of her people
going nowhere and even the slightest obsession or preoccupation with the cult of mindless celebrity and conspicious 'bling-bling' consumption vanished to zero .
Panya knew that just as the elder had described , in her mind there was a place , a clearing for her own invincibility to grow and eventually to reign . Her own seat of power within herself that was hers alone from which she weighed evidence , performed her evaluations , made her decisions and from which she directed her own actions , ruling over herself --her own " Panyan Realm " --the empire where her mind and emotions intersected and combined with her efforts .
" We seek to purposefully create a mind space within ourselves in which the universal belief in our innate genius , immortally reigns supreme --always co-existing with prodigious drive for actualizing that innate genius --to deliberately fulfill our responsibility to ourselves to bring it out -- manifest it --- meticulously polish it and successfully make it lustrously bright , " was how she verbatim recalled the elder's description .
" We seek to fill that mind space we are creating with immeasurable peace profound --the natural mind state of humans --We seek to fill that mind space with the impeccable composure that results when self esteem is totally healed and diamond strong --We seek to completely unleash human virtuosity that is self evident in all , but sadly , dormant in most . "
" We wish to force humanity to finally ask itself the question of what are the obvious and what are the not so obvious implications of suddenly...almost miraculously... finding ourselves with the best of our human potentials totally activated and on a chain reaction pathway to smashing through the previous limitations and performance levels that prevented us from fully actualizing the best of our potentials ? " he asked the adults .
"Elder , the implications are simply astounding , " the young Panya later would report from personal experience .
Currently listening :
Charlie Parker with Strings: The Master Takes
By Charlie Parker with Strings
Saturday, June 02, 2007
her panyan realm --cont.
He runs his palm lightly across the brown silken smoothness of Panya's belly . Her eyes close as she revels in the touch of a man who knows exactly how she wants to be handled . He caresses her skin's smoothness as her lips part and remain parted as she sighs her approval . Her thighs spread wider as if to offer clues to where his attentions are most needed . He smiles as he watches , enraptured in her beauty , slowly caressing her as the pleasure of his touch causes her defenses to erode and receptiveness to build , as she finds herself more and more absorbed in receiving the sheer enchantment that a simple touch can bring .
She finds her fire increasing as her expectancy continues . She is fully moist and totally fragrant , hips simmering , her heart on fire , mind demanding as her soul demands --that she give herself over to this man she loves so that he may deliver to her the release her every ion , now craves .
Her toes begin moving as if pulling her forward --closer to the source of this growing , maddening , delicious anticipation that his touch elicits . When her desire will allow her to wait no longer , she snatches his hand from the circular path it has been repeating across her belly and shoves it between her legs into sweltering humidity of the tropics taken residence amidst her thighs . Gripping his index finger she uses it as her instrument , impatiently sliding it between her outer lips and up and down along the wet surface of the hot , swollen inner flesh .
Her breathing gradually grows more discernable and her eyes tightly shut as her pleasure increases . She moves his hand faster , clenching it more forcefully as her heels dig into the surface beneath her . Her back arches as her head rolls back lifting her chin upwards-- mouth now open , her teeth bared .
Her breaths are pushed out sharply now like a bellows inciting fire to red hot intensity . She feels a wave of heat encapsulating her body emanating from the inside out as her face begins to contort and her calf and thigh muscles tighten .
The action of her single-mindedly working the elder's fingers across her sensitivity and her heavy breathing causes her breasts to nod up and down acknowledging that her much awaited release is soon to arrive .
Her strength again surprises him as the first presence of an Alaskan chill suddenly appears from deep inside hidden places and boldly creeps its way up her spine .
She moans as if in deep sleep dreaming and when the hot rush of orgasm that the cold precedes , finally triggers , she helplessly cries out with each crash of the waves rushing up from her pelvic floor .
He relishes the sight of her hot , sweet face as she orgasms and she lays there a moment catching her breath . Only partially opening her eyes , she lulls in her own glowing warmth . Smiling at him , she gently releases his hand while coquettishly pretending as if she were speaking to it and asking , "Should tongue have some of what fingers just had ? "
"Sounds like time for some yoni worship ," he laughs at her silliness as he leans forward and downward resting himself on his forearms and elbows while the angel , legs spread , knees bent , feet flat on the floor , uses her own fingers to hold open her celestial gates .
Her aroma tantalizes him as his tongue tip lightly reaches her , barely contacting her crucial sensitivity . Her whole body trembles with post orgasmic aftershocks . She finds herself again moaning as his tongue excruciatingly slowly glides along , permitting itself only the lightest of contacts with her lips and clitoris .
Soon eyes again close and her hips begin to quiver as she , on impulse grasps him behind his neck with her free hand . Before long , her hand at the back of his neck is straining , trying to pull him closer to her altar as he speaks to her in tongues .
" Your kisses ring ,
round and round inside my head
Touching the very part of me
that's making my soul sing
tearing the very heart of me
I'm crying out for more"
In next to no time , while Sade , singing on the vehicle's radio provides the words , Panya provides background vocals --once more exclaiming her arrival as she comes , but this time , experiencing a much more intense orgasm than before .
"This is no blind fate
this is no sad or sorry dream
This is no blind fate
your love
your love is real
gonna crown you with my heart... "
After she has sufficiently recovered , Panya kisses him warmly and then suggestively rubs the protrusion running along his inner thigh that is struggling to escape confinement from within his trousers .
When finally , he slides within her , her body tremors , enjoying a wonderful sense of fullness . He drives slowly at first to allow her pussy to stretch out in accommodation of its guest . Then when her breathing grows heavier he begins to thrust more rapidly . She lifts her thighs up resting her feet on the back of his legs .
"Do it , Baby , "she whispers .
He slides , at first , up and down , the pelvic ' in and out' thrusting motion instinctively characteristic to mammals , but then breaks from the pattern and begins making clockwise circles with his hips , churning the barrel of her pussy with his rod . As friction builds within , he hears her declarative , "Oh yes , just like that ."
He grinds against her with greater force -- more intensity as she responds by pressing down harder with the heels of her feet into him . As her pleasure multiplies , she digs deeper with her heels contracting her leg muscles powerfully enough to lift her thighs and pelvis up towards him , drawing closer to the instrument creating the growing pleasure spreading throughout her body .
Her breathing becomes louder , more urgent , from the unending motion of his oar in her waters , strenuously rowing circles with his dick inside the depths of her pussy . Bracing himself fully on the palms of his hands and on his toes , he is suspended above her as her tightening leg muscles lift her body towards him .
Her arms reassert themselves , hands adjusting their grip , alternating between his neck and shoulders as she pulls with greater strength trying to improve her hold on him . Her head tilts backwards as her mouth opens and again a low- pitched moan from deep in her belly escapes .
"Oh God , yes ! " she exclaims as he alters the sway in his back for closer access , dipping in for additional perineum friction .
As she nears the edge , Panya throws her head uncontrollably from one side and then the other , but there is nowhere for her to turn to escape what her heart knows her soul is about to unleash .
Only the top of her head and part of her shoulders now remain on the vehicle floor as the rest of her body is pulled upwards , lifted by the strength of her thigh muscles trembling , contracting and her heels digging into his flesh as the first signs of an enormous orgasm begins convulsing their way through her .
Her mouth opens fully as she instinctively attempts , but is unable to cry out , releasing only a wheezing sound of lungs somehow deprived of oxygen .
After a brief second she is able to resume breathing , awaiting the next set of convulsions her body tells her are imminent , when suddenly , the churning stops and the mammalian thrusting resumes in the form of a powerful series of quick , deep jabs when he drops to one knee and seizes her by her hips and ass for added leverage as he begins ramming into her with enough repeated force to knock down a wall , yet this time she is able to verbalize her approval as she cries out , first breathlessly and then loudly , " Oh shit ! ...Ohshi...Ohshi... Oh... OhOh Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! NNnnnnnnnnuuhhhh! "
Panting desperately in the continuous after-shocks , she is barely able to breathe , but she has driven him to the point where reason fades . By now he is crazed and relentless . Knowing that this is what she wants , she throws her right leg over his head so that now both thighs are tightly pressed together , her calves against his right shoulder .
Holding her with his arms wrapped around both thighs , he lifts her up so that only part of her shoulders , the back of her head and neck are in contact with the floor of the small van .
She scoots her arms underneath her and attempts to stabilize her weight on her elbows , to brace herself against the strength of the endless jabbing , but he is out of control by now and the force of his thrustings make it impossible for her to maintain any anything similar to equilibrium .
More icy pre-chills leaping up her spine signal again to Panya the arrival of what she knows her body cannot evade as her hips and abdomen again resume bucking and gyrating while her repeated shrieks and pantings in the night again fill the cramped space .
After a time , he grimaces , throws back his head as every muscle tenses , trembles as he delivers a long and deep groan . After a pause , he continues slowly , with easy , rhythmic strokes even as she lay helpless while she recovers , momentarily , as lively as a rag doll .
Currently listening :
Lovers Live
By Sade
panya
Panya awakes from her deep dreamless slumber . The tiny soft glow of the camping lamp greets her eyes . Her mind rapidly becoming aware of the surroundings and their situation . . She reaches for her pistol , checking to see if it is still there . The chill of the late spring's night air is felt on her now exposed arms , shoulders , and breasts . Seeing the oversized fleece shirt and the rest of her clothing neatly folded on the floor of the vehicle near her , she grabs the shirt and pulls on the garment over her head .
The elder is not in the vehicle . In her mind she feels a bit of confusion along with a twinge of concern . She wonders where he could be . She quickly pulls on her fatigue pants and her running sandals . Concealing the pistol beneath her clothing , she steps out of the vehicle into the night chill and looks around .
The lights of cars and trucks approaching and departing the highway rest stop will continue the entire night and begin to increase again shortly after dawn , but she can easily see that the rate and volume of this traffic has now significantly decreased compared to their arrival . A river barge leisurely chugs its way downstream . It's yellowish lights rippling across the black water and its horn's muted cry give a lonely , eerie effect .
Checking her fatigue pockets for her sports watch she sees by the dial's blue-green glow that it is 2: 35 AM .
She realizes that she has been asleep for several hours . But where is the elder ? The lights from the highway , the twinkling glow from the dark river , the rows of little railway bridge beacons , the stars across the canopy of darkness , all still dreamily combine for a lulling , very soothing effect , but she must find the elder . He is her first responsibility and it's not like him to leave without informing her of his whereabouts .
She sees a figure approaching . This could be him . One arm is pressed close to his side as if he is carrying something beneath it . He draws closer and she relaxes her grip on the pistol butt . She smiles a half relieved , half annoyed smile .
" Where have you been ? I thought I was going to have to launch a ' search and rescue ' . " she gently scolded .
"Well , the Sleeping Beauty has finally awaken " , he teases .
"Enjoy your rest ? "
"Yes , thank you " , she replies with obvious gratitude , " I feel exquisite " .
Stepping forward , she embraces him .
Aware of her warmth and the feel , through the fleece shirt , of her breasts softly pressing against him , he immediately knows she has left off her blouse and sports bra . He tries to maintain his composure . Feeling also her pistol against him , he reminds himself to stay focused .
She is aware of what must be a folded news paper beneath his arm and deduces a motive for his leaving .
" Do they mention us in the papers ? "
"No , not a word " , he responds quietly . " Checked the radio too , not a peep either ." A knowing glance between them , even in the dark can be recognized .
Currently listening :
Moonglow
By Dakota Staton
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
panya --continued
Returning to the van they sit for a moment , each drifting in thought as the new string of lights streaming , paired with sound of the rhythmic , "Cah-dup-cah-dup...cah-dup-cah-dup...cah-dup-cah-dup ..." , rushing across the railroad bridge , echoing in the distance against the night air , signals the passing of another train .
Panya and the elder sit watching as the train goes by. The sight and sounds and vibration of the train all seem to pull each of them for a moment along with it , away from their thoughts and into their emotions . A penetrating isolation soon arises that they both can uneasily sense .
He briefly recalls the heady expectations he often felt as a young man , traveling south by train on weekends and semester breaks , to visit his love at her school . He wonders what has happened to her over so many years and if now she ever thinks of him -- as he sometimes does of her -- in unexpected moments such as this .
Panya thinks of her future , of where she is going and where she would like to be . So many goals she has set for herself , goals that she is determined to reach -- but... After she arrives there , " Then what ? Even when we reach our goals , it's never exactly as we planned . " Already she realizes that there is always some unforeseen little surprises that even if pleasant , are still surprises .
"From the very first days of the railroads , " the elder wonders from much farther now inside his head , "did its inventors have any clue of the unspoken and sad effect that the sight of a train in motion could so often produce ? " His melancholy begins pulling him even deeper within his thoughts and subsequent feelings .
Panya , to relieve the uncomfortable sense of remoteness that has crept over them , turns the Element's ignition key to power the radio . Searching through the stations with the volume low she lands on a melodious sound of flowing piano on which she allows the selection button to rest .
Something they both can appreciate knowing the elder's aversion to much of what indelicately passes as music these days .
" Poinciana , " the elder recognizes the musical piece and then names it .
" Excuse me ? " Panya gently inquires .
"The name of the song playing , is 'Poinciana ' , that's Ahmed Jamal ," he responds.
" His signature song . The one he's most known for --but he did a lot , lot more than this . Miles Davis said he was one his biggest influences --he was into that understated thing that Miles was into .
He recorded this one several times. It's nice . Mellow . "
She turns the volume up slightly as the light , fresh , melodic piano sprinklings effortlessly entwined around the rhythmic pulsations of this timeless selection begins to fill their awareness . The double beat of the bottom rhythm reflects a heartbeat . It gradually weaves into time with each of their own as entrainment occurs pulling their own heart beatings together in unison with the music's .
They are silent as the music carries them along , pulling them fully into its graceful currents . With each pulsation the inevitable re-approaches as they both begin to rediscover the effect that the need for companionship and the awareness of the warmth of another already familiar human being can rekindle . Together , they sigh .
Before the song is half way across its journey through memories , their fingers manage to find each other for linkage and their hands , for holding . Before the music reaches its impulsive almost whimsical conclusion the sentiment of the mood has caused their lips to approach each others in at first , light brushing together , and then warm , more tender connections .
Their kissing is not frenzied or impassionate at first , not for a while . Its beginnings has a more tentative aspect -- a more ' kiss and make up ' allusion to it that neither seems to know exactly why is there or how to proceed beyond . Neither seems willing to jeopardize this return to desired levels of intimacy by proving to be too forceful , too zealous -- though each knows the other impatiently wants to .
It is almost as if they feel that they have already done something wrong --breached some unwritten barrier --know they are again , as before , being pulled beyond their limits of restraint , but this time as in all preceding occasions , do not wish to force themselves -- if possible -- to stop .
Currently listening :
Ahmad Jamal at the Pershing: But Not for Me
By Ahmad Jamal
Friday, May 25, 2007
panya --part 3
The kisses grow less frequent in number as their duration increases , the emotions intensify . Short , playful little embouchures inserted between the longer ones . The two of them feel as if they are flowing , slowly circling . Or is it the world around them spinning ? Neither of them cares as they become more and more enclosed within a tender world of their own creation .
Concerns fade and fall away . Fears and worries are put on hold , and evaporate , as the growing warmth within them heightens . Captivated by the various hues held within her darker skin tones his eye becomes aware even of her pores beginning to enlarge and open as her emotions arouse and her skin becomes more pliable , smooth and elastic as an indicator of her increasing affection .
The fragrance of her shampoo greets his nostrils as the oils of her scalp increase their presence and her glands activate , releasing hormones throughout her system . Changing not only is her appearance and her aroma , but also her chemical make up undergoes a delicate shift as her passions begin to take fire and build in depth .
They break for a pause and must delay again from leaving each other's eyes -- surveying the effect , the sweet devastation they have wreaked upon each other . They are both forced to weakly smile , each shyly recognizing the unmistakable vulnerability they have caused in the other . She tilts her head to her right , his left , as he compatibly mirrors for her , the opposite . Their necks slowly lean faces forward for lips to make their delightful re-acquaintance .
She extends her tongue and in the space between kisses traces over his lips with her pinkness , first the upper then his lower . The after a pause in which he only smiles lovingly towards her , she grows more impatient and gently nibbles upon his lower lip with her teeth and caresses it with her tongue . She cups first her right hand upon his face while she plants a kiss and then her left hand as both hands attempt to capture and surround his mouth leaving his lips available to hers .
The warmth of her soft hands , the taste of her lips and slow tickle of her tongue have a dizzying outcome upon him . Again he sighs as they temporarily emerge for air and then submerge into even deeper passions.
Made bolder by impatience , she presses her tongue between his lips and into his mouth . Desire melting her inhibitions , she explores the warm softness within his mouth , gliding past the smooth hardness of his teeth in search of his tongue . She draws closer as her extended tongue dances lightly over his own , as if to tempt it to come out and play.
Still not receiving the response she wants , Panya , without breaking contact is up and spreading her legs . She now straddles him with one knee on either side of him . Leaning her face and upper body at a downward angle and bending deeply at the waist , her soft hands continue cupping his face while her kisses grow more forceful , more insistent as a heated urgency within her begins to build .
Looking into his face , she pauses relishing in the sight of his closed eyes vulnerability , his emotional openness to her . Smiling she playfully whispers , " You gonna make me work for it this time , huh? Make me draw it out of you ? Ok , I like the challenge . It's exciting . I find it excites me ."
Gazing hungrily , almost defiantly into his eyes , she begins again her assault , pouring all of the fire of all her awakening passions into each kiss . The aroma of her growing arousal now suggestively fills both their noses as well as the van .
Currently listening :
Greatest Love Songs
By Will Downing
Sunday, May 27, 2007
panya --part 4
"Panya " , he manages to hesitantly verbalize .
"No , don't . " , she anticipates his pronouncement .
"You're only saying it out of some kind of ' robbing the cradle guilt trip' . I want you to stop beating yourself up elder . It's inappropriate to what is evolving between us . Let what you know is already between us take its course . "
" Look ," she continued as she held his face in her hands , "You denying what you feel is what is NOT 'right' . It's like saying I'm stupid and a victim and ' shame on you lecherous old man ' ... Fooling around with a girl young enough to be your daughter . "
"Perverted old man ." she taunted with feigned indignation and then laughed softly as he dropped his glance downwardly , shame rising .
"You seem to retain value judgments based on previous conditioning . Elder I'm surprised at you . Lose the menial mentality " , she teased while shaking his face from side to side while lifting his bowed head upwards to meet her eyes .
" Of all people , you still are age-ist enough to believe that you are somehow 'taking advantage' of my youthful inexperience ? " her incredulity evident in her tone .
" Elder , I'm flattered at you wanting to 'protect' me from the 'dirty old man ' in you . And your concern for others --in denying your own potential happiness to preserve the flower and innocence of youth is soooo sweet , " she teased as she loudly made a smacking noise with her lips against his as a reward , " But , might I remind you ' Old Sir ' , who in this vehicle has the higher IQ scores ? "
Only silence answers .
"Whoooo ? " she comically exaggerates her demand to a now , also chuckling Sekou .
"You would bring that up again , " he remarks dryly .
Well , it's not like me to brag , being as modest as I am , but I do also hold a higher rank in Akh-ka grappling than you . " she smiles .
"And , what else ? " he asks , growing impatient , after her deliberate pause .
" ' What else ', what ? " she snickers pretending confusion .
"Aren't you forgetting to gloat about your trophies ? " he drolly asks .
"Um... do you mean ALL those chess tournament trophies , that I happen to have won ? she giggles , unable to restrain her laughter , or maintain her mock smirk .
"Um ...yeah , those " , he sarcastically answers .
"Have I ever mentioned those before ? " she pretends .
" Um ... only about 35 times --today . " he retorts as they both laugh together .
" Sekou , " her tone grows more serious . "We share some of the same interests --well except for chess , " she ribs , chuckling again as he rolls his eyes at her .
" We can talk to each other about anything for hours at a time . We make each other laugh . We love each others company . Why can't I convince you there is nothing wrong with us in love with each other ? " her frustration appears as her question re-treads previous ground .
"We're at different phases of the life cycle , " he tries to answer . " You are a young woman , you should be free to enjoy the things young women do . Not hanging around somebody who will be a senior citizen while you are still a young woman . "
" I'd never have thought you as one to cry about his age -- throw in the towel and give up --or should I say ' throw in the ' Depends ' and give up . Well then , if things get so bad that I can't handle it , I'll just leave . " she says with a hint of anger at him , with each knowing she does not mean it .
"No one my age appeals to me like you do. There's a genuineness in you , a down to earth , grounded quality in you that is so calming to me , so gentle , open and sweet . You 'get ' me like no one else does and you know I 'get' you . I call you ' elder ' out of respect , but you of all people know that I was born an old soul --just like you . Your Ka and mine must have known each other , loved each other in a previous time . So stop fighting me . Unless the ' Great Sekou ' fears being conquered by a 24 year old . "
He makes a sucking noise with his teeth at her ' Great Sekou ' remark , but tries again to clearly verbalize his way through conflicting emotions . " These are probably the most care free years you will enjoy for the next 20 to 30 years of your life . These are still your exploration --find yourself -years . By us being at different stages of the life cycle , Panya there are experiences that I've already had that you haven't yet and you would be denying yourself a world of experience by us being together . Experiences that you would learn valuable life-lessons from . "
"Sekou , everyone knows that experience is not the best teacher --experience is the most painful teacher . I am 24 but I found myself a long time ago. I also went through the mind cleansing process when I was 16 --much younger than you --even if you are one of its team developers . The slave mentality now may be even more effectively exorcised from my personality than yours . My virtuosity may be more exceptional than yours or any of the other developers on the discovery team --You yourself gave me the aptitude tests --You know for yourself what removing the white supremacist / black slave mentality has done for me -- you know what it can do for any of our people . You know from 'experience' that my own self esteem and composure are as impeccable as your own --you saw that today . All of the gifts are functioning in me . I'm 24 but there are areas in which I have already passed you --don't be afraid of me , elder . Don't be afraid of what I know you feel for me . What you feel for me I feel for you . You ain't fooling around with a young girl because I'm not a girl and I'm definitely NOT FOOLING . I mean to win your heart --and you don't stand a chance . "
She smiles adoringly at him and he does adore her --even if she manages to scare him at times .
" To find happiness , one must follow the heart . As long as it does no harm -- to follow the heart leads to the god-ness inside us all - Standards of Perfecting ", she repeats .
And along with the hungry lioness look cast deep into his eyes , the Simba flings both arms around his neck and whispers , " Trust me to know where my own heart leads ."
Currently listening :
The Best of Lee Morgan
By Lee Morgan
Monday, May 28, 2007
panya -part 5
" Where your heart leads ? Your heart lead you all up on me like this ? " his playful sarcasm returns .
"Get used to it . " she smiles .
" So it's like I don't have any say in the matter ? " he joked .
"No , you don't , " she laughs , " so get used to the idea ."
The kissing resumes . First tenderly and then with growing intensity that builds to a passionate ferocity .
She smoothes her hands across his chest , her arousal increasing to the limits of her restraint . He lightly touches her face and she trembles as shivers of anticipation rush through her awareness .
She again flings her arms around him as he caresses her face , the sides of her neck . She straightens her back , leans forward , throws her arms over him pulling his face into her breasts . She kisses him on the forehead , the top of his head and ears while crushing his face against her breasts .
She turns her hips and slides her legs to the side as she manages her way off of the seat and crouches into the back of the vehicle where he had earlier massaged her .
Pulling him by his hand after her , she impatiently coaxes , "Come here " . She is on the sleeping bags , laying down and stretched out , on her back invitingly . She grinds her hips against him impatiently as he joins her on the vehicle floor .
Arm around her neck as her pillow , he pulls her closer , kisses her deeply . His tongue invades the space between her lips and caresses her own . Her mouth is wet , juicy and waiting .
Her tongue rushes forward to meet his to caress it , to entangle it with hers . As he pulls her closer , she moans deeply and low , like a growl seeming to emanate from her middle , but starting from a place within her emotions , much deeper .
Breathlessly , desperately she whispers her demands , "I want you . Fuck me now . "
He smiles at her impatience , "Is that an order ? " he grins .
"Dammit , old man ," she smiles . " Stop teasing me and get to work ."
She buries her face into his neck , planting wet kisses interspersed between gentle bites .
She sucks hard upon the skin and flesh of his neck the way she knows that he likes . She uses suction and her teeth to leave her mark -- the reddish purple bruise of a lover's bite on the soft portion of his neck that never sees a razor .
"Ahhh , you done done it now , girl , " he jokes , feeling his neck . "Can't nothing save you . "
"Do I look like I'm running , " Panya calmly retorts while quickly pulling off her shirt .
Her breasts spring freely , her large nipples , round and erect like chocolate brown erasers on brand new pencils .
Awed by her beauty , he whispers to Panya , "You ' bout to git got . "
Sliding out of her fatigues and panties in one move , she taunts , "No , you the one 'bout to git got " . Laying back with legs spread wide it was her turn to tease .
"Now git to gottin' , old man . "
Suspecting now , that he may be in water over his head , the elder notes the quirk of fate , the radio playing softly as the background to their lovemaking another old song that he recognizes .
" So come on let it happen ,
Open up your heart
Cherish every second
Let the magic start
Baby we can make it
If we take the chance
We can live the music
Never stop the dance
Oh , Sweet thing
Don't you see what we're beginning
Is for me and you
So come on through
And fall into the spell .
Darling , what a brand new day
We're starting
That could last forever ,
I guess that only time alone will tell ,
But I believe we'll both agree this night we fell "
" That was ' This Night We Fell ' by Heatwave on ' The Smooth Ride for Lovers ' with Gloria Riverside your over night companion on radio station W-E-C-U -- ' We See You ' --Through the morning rush , all through your day and all through the night with your favorite love music , the sounds you love to love -- 109 FM . "
Currently listening :
The Best of Heatwave: Always & Forever
By Heatwave
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
panya -- part 6
Panya had not told the elder , perhaps one day she would , but she really did not think it necessary at this moment to reveal what in her heart had turned her towards him long ago. She was sixteen and a very chunky , physically awkward teen . She was clearly very bright , very shy and even more self conscious .
The elder was the very first person she had met who did not treat her as if she were a bad person , or weak or somehow flawed because of her weight difficulties .
She recalls his patience while listening to her mother's expressed concerns over her daughter's growing weight problem . At school she had been belittled by other students for years and some well meaning adults , trying to be helpful , would offer her treats of more food to comfort her bruised ego and empty platitudes such as , "But at least you seem light on your feet " , or "Big girls are beautiful too. "
But it was the elder , through speaking to her mother , not even directing his words to Panya , marginally aware of her presence in the next room , who had the greatest effect upon her and triggered her ultimate motivation to change .
"Your daughter may be like a lot of our people in the western world , " he explained .
"Wounded self esteem expresses itself in building up protective layers as a defense to keep out the pain . When a person like her totally gets the black slave /white supremacist mentality completely out of their system and their self esteem experiences sufficient repair , the psyche is then freed to exist in a state of peace profound instead of fear --peace being the natural healthy state of mind in humans ."
" Once that occurs , unshakable esteem arises --also a natural human condition --which leads to effortlessly sustaining the effort necessary to releasing what is innate in humans --unlimited potential expressed in each individual through pursuit of their interests-- leading to unique talent . It's artistic expression --unlocking the unique personal gifts born within everyone "
Panya's mother nodded in agreement thought still possessing a quizzical look on her face . Sensing her uncertainty , the elder went on .
"When we perceive that we are under persistent assault , even if it is only an ego assault , we react as if it were physical assault --Ever seen someone ready to fight over a remark someone else made ?"
"We react to ego assault --attacks on our self esteem as if they were physical assaults on the body and one way of surviving continuous physical assault--a siege -- is a preoccupation with food as an unconscious defense mechanism against starvation --which is what an enemy in war would possibly try to do to victims ."
" Lack of food is perceived in our minds as leading to death , so eating more than we need or the continuous urge for snacking can be an unconscious response to the knowledge that we are under a form of assault . With the dead processed foods this society feeds on guaranteeing nutritional deficiency-- that combined with wounded ego-- could easily be the driving force behind many weight problems rather than 'sluggish thyroids ' --All the root causes of the disorder must be completely dug up , exposed to the sunlight and dried out --Pulverized into dust and harmlessly blown away --Completely gone forever --in order to make permanent and positive change ."
Panya looked up from the book she was reading in the kitchen and considered skeptically at first , what the elder was saying , as he went on .
" Damaged self esteem could also manifest in greed , or hoarding of wealth , or in the pettiness we call 'Crabs in a barrel mentality ' --laziness --apathy--meaningless sexual escapades --spousal abuse -- all sorts of self destructive behaviors --Behaviors contemptuous of the inherent value of life and the priceless-ness of another human being --driving cars too fast , or drug , or alcohol abuse , chronic depression , or schizophrenic behaviors --In my own case history , excessive involvement in high adrenaline activities and blood sports-- Any thing self destructive of healthy mind , body and spirit , or the sabotaging of the attainment of normal goals in healthy adults could be likely results of the slave mentality covertly expressing itself thorough actions ultimately destructive of the individual or destructive of the relationships that individual is involved in . "
As Panya now intently listened , he continued .
" In my own case history , I believe it was the reasons for my failures to build a successful relationship with any of my former wives . "
He dropped his head as sadness momentarily clouded his face .
"But it was from that pain that I drew the resolve to examine my own life , ask questions and make observations that led to the Mind Cleansing discovery . "
"Why do some of our people seem unable to resist petty crime that results in incarceration ? Why would a young person with everything going for them turn to drugs or alcohol ? Why do some people lie again and again when they don't have to , or deface and vandalize their own communities , when there is no acceptable reason ? "
The elder went on to ask Panya's mother .
"Why in so many of our communities do people throw trash on the ground --like we aren't supposed to live in cleanliness ? It all returns back to the self destructive mind set that we have absorbed into our culture after centuries of contact with the white supremacist / black slave mind set that we must completely get from under our skins , totally remove , entirely vacuum out the residue --Absolutely invalidate it till it's null and void --And when we do that --You can see an entirely new person emerge --like a beautiful butterfly from its cocoon-- A totally new order of being untainted by the mind disease of inferiority-- neither believing ones self or any other selves innately inferior , or superior . "
" It's then sister Wangari , that a person finds herself totally transformed for the better . As old self destructive habits and the beliefs that were behind those old habits crumble like dust and fall harmlessly away . And in time you'll see it sister Wangari , in time you most certainly will --I believe it all the way down to the marrow in my bones that we will redeem ourselves and win this thing . "
Panya remembers her mother seeming less than convinced while Panya herself felt as if she were on fire . For her it was the beginning of her transformation . It was the moment of her awakening in which someone finally spoke to her soul saying exactly what she has suspected, but up until this moment , no one had ever vocalized .
It was the needed leverage that tipped the scales that carried her over to the other side -- beginning her journey back home to her natural mind in a new world that she and others like her were being called to build --being called by their own nature --their own aptitudes and abilities crying out for expression --as well as crying out for a world that would allow , encourage , cultivate , appreciate and celebrate the unimpeded expression of those abilities .
For Panya , after this incident, losing the weight was easy . Losing all desire for unnecessary foods and nutrition-less meals , she found permanent slimness to successfully be hers .
She began walking every day and drinking more water . She cut out processed foods along with white sugar , bleached rice , white flour , and red meat .
She significantly reduced her consumption of fish and poultry and fresh fruit became her favorite snack and dessert .
Her diet soon reached its present consistency of two thirds raw organic fruits and vegetables .
She found herself gravitating towards the daily practice of yoga and meditation . Her inner runner blossomed and she found that she excelled at martial arts .
People felt her presence where ever she went . She glowed , exuding pure health and vitality . She had been awakened .
Currently listening :
Transformation
By Lonnie Liston Smith
Thursday, May 31, 2007
her own ' Panyan Realm '
"The awakening of our people is our mission in life . " She could recall overhearing from the next room , the elder explaining this again and again in discussions with her mother and circles of friends .
"We want to create a new order of being . The nu Nubian Black man and woman who are grounded in the great past of black people , but with our minds in the present and actively building the future . Actively building this new world that we wish to enjoy ," he had replied in answer to their repeated questions .
" We are no martyrs and our work needs none . We operate from and are motivated by rational self interest . We want to live in that new world of which we dream -- the world that we are working so hard and so joyously to bring into reality. This is why we emphasize business and trade because through answering to the pressures of survival , we blacks first proliferated out of Africa and across what is now the middle East , through southern Asia and the far East and the Pacific."
" Through answering the economic pressures of survival we discovered agriculture and metallurgy and writing -- we discovered all of the arts basic to civilization and then built upon them to expand them into the sciences , " he remarked , causing young Panya to simmer with a glowing enthusiasm her mother and her mother's friends seemed at the time , only dimly able to match .
She remembers listening to their discussions and then silently screaming inside her head , " Don't you people get it ? Don't you understand what he's saying ? Because I damn sure do ! We've been lied to about who we are and what we have done . We built the world's civilization but the world all turned on us and one by one , brought us down and took away our accomplishments . Then they even tried to erase our memory of our own accomplishments --make us forget who we are , and forget the great things we have done and can do -- but always --always --they always knew who we were and what we have the potential to do. So they feared us --even while pointing their fingers , laughing at the self-hating ignorant slaves that they made ."
By now as an adult she had heard the elder speak many times , but still drew inspiration from the words she had heard again and again until absorbed almost verbatim into her cellular DNA . She concisely "got it " and obviously in her head , the message stuck .
" We want to transform this world --but understand that what is wrong with this world is primarily the mind set of its people . The menial , self doubting , self loathing , self sabotaging , irrational , subservient mentality must be thoroughly rooted out , its miserable existence totally extinguished and then completely replaced by an enduring , imperturbable oasis of completely healthy self esteem , generously giving genesis to the enormously peaceful calm and rationality that is our natural state . "
Panya , from deep understandings , could now recite the words and express the ideas as if they were her own .
"From that oasis proceeds bulletproof , unimpeachable , forever validated self esteem which perfectly triggers the unleashing of human potential . We first create the change in ourselves that we wish for others . That change we wish is to transform any existing sick , obsolete thought processes and putrid underlying beliefs and twisted related values that attempt to some how , some way corrupt , infect and convince us that we are inherently of any less merit , beauty , ability and worth than any others . "
She believed this down into her bones' own marrow to the point where she felt most alive most happy when around those of her people who had most successfully removed the slave mentality and were continuously remaining on guard rooting out its attempted return .
She found as her own understandings and internalizing advanced in these principals of redemption , she lost all desire to kill time , or to waste time , or to waste time bothering with those individuals who did not dearly value their time . "Our's lives being made up only of time --to waste our time is to waste our life --and your life is the best thing you got --Standards of Perfecting ".
Just as she absolutely lost all desire for consuming more food than her body needed to be healthy and energetic , she also forever lost all desire for appeasing or in any way ingratiating herself with her oppressors as well as losing all appetite for winning their approval .
Equally surprising , she lost all desire to consume precious time with those of her people
going nowhere and even the slightest obsession or preoccupation with the cult of mindless celebrity and conspicious 'bling-bling' consumption vanished to zero .
Panya knew that just as the elder had described , in her mind there was a place , a clearing for her own invincibility to grow and eventually to reign . Her own seat of power within herself that was hers alone from which she weighed evidence , performed her evaluations , made her decisions and from which she directed her own actions , ruling over herself --her own " Panyan Realm " --the empire where her mind and emotions intersected and combined with her efforts .
" We seek to purposefully create a mind space within ourselves in which the universal belief in our innate genius , immortally reigns supreme --always co-existing with prodigious drive for actualizing that innate genius --to deliberately fulfill our responsibility to ourselves to bring it out -- manifest it --- meticulously polish it and successfully make it lustrously bright , " was how she verbatim recalled the elder's description .
" We seek to fill that mind space we are creating with immeasurable peace profound --the natural mind state of humans --We seek to fill that mind space with the impeccable composure that results when self esteem is totally healed and diamond strong --We seek to completely unleash human virtuosity that is self evident in all , but sadly , dormant in most . "
" We wish to force humanity to finally ask itself the question of what are the obvious and what are the not so obvious implications of suddenly...almost miraculously... finding ourselves with the best of our human potentials totally activated and on a chain reaction pathway to smashing through the previous limitations and performance levels that prevented us from fully actualizing the best of our potentials ? " he asked the adults .
"Elder , the implications are simply astounding , " the young Panya later would report from personal experience .
Currently listening :
Charlie Parker with Strings: The Master Takes
By Charlie Parker with Strings
Saturday, June 02, 2007
her panyan realm --cont.
He runs his palm lightly across the brown silken smoothness of Panya's belly . Her eyes close as she revels in the touch of a man who knows exactly how she wants to be handled . He caresses her skin's smoothness as her lips part and remain parted as she sighs her approval . Her thighs spread wider as if to offer clues to where his attentions are most needed . He smiles as he watches , enraptured in her beauty , slowly caressing her as the pleasure of his touch causes her defenses to erode and receptiveness to build , as she finds herself more and more absorbed in receiving the sheer enchantment that a simple touch can bring .
She finds her fire increasing as her expectancy continues . She is fully moist and totally fragrant , hips simmering , her heart on fire , mind demanding as her soul demands --that she give herself over to this man she loves so that he may deliver to her the release her every ion , now craves .
Her toes begin moving as if pulling her forward --closer to the source of this growing , maddening , delicious anticipation that his touch elicits . When her desire will allow her to wait no longer , she snatches his hand from the circular path it has been repeating across her belly and shoves it between her legs into sweltering humidity of the tropics taken residence amidst her thighs . Gripping his index finger she uses it as her instrument , impatiently sliding it between her outer lips and up and down along the wet surface of the hot , swollen inner flesh .
Her breathing gradually grows more discernable and her eyes tightly shut as her pleasure increases . She moves his hand faster , clenching it more forcefully as her heels dig into the surface beneath her . Her back arches as her head rolls back lifting her chin upwards-- mouth now open , her teeth bared .
Her breaths are pushed out sharply now like a bellows inciting fire to red hot intensity . She feels a wave of heat encapsulating her body emanating from the inside out as her face begins to contort and her calf and thigh muscles tighten .
The action of her single-mindedly working the elder's fingers across her sensitivity and her heavy breathing causes her breasts to nod up and down acknowledging that her much awaited release is soon to arrive .
Her strength again surprises him as the first presence of an Alaskan chill suddenly appears from deep inside hidden places and boldly creeps its way up her spine .
She moans as if in deep sleep dreaming and when the hot rush of orgasm that the cold precedes , finally triggers , she helplessly cries out with each crash of the waves rushing up from her pelvic floor .
He relishes the sight of her hot , sweet face as she orgasms and she lays there a moment catching her breath . Only partially opening her eyes , she lulls in her own glowing warmth . Smiling at him , she gently releases his hand while coquettishly pretending as if she were speaking to it and asking , "Should tongue have some of what fingers just had ? "
"Sounds like time for some yoni worship ," he laughs at her silliness as he leans forward and downward resting himself on his forearms and elbows while the angel , legs spread , knees bent , feet flat on the floor , uses her own fingers to hold open her celestial gates .
Her aroma tantalizes him as his tongue tip lightly reaches her , barely contacting her crucial sensitivity . Her whole body trembles with post orgasmic aftershocks . She finds herself again moaning as his tongue excruciatingly slowly glides along , permitting itself only the lightest of contacts with her lips and clitoris .
Soon eyes again close and her hips begin to quiver as she , on impulse grasps him behind his neck with her free hand . Before long , her hand at the back of his neck is straining , trying to pull him closer to her altar as he speaks to her in tongues .
" Your kisses ring ,
round and round inside my head
Touching the very part of me
that's making my soul sing
tearing the very heart of me
I'm crying out for more"
In next to no time , while Sade , singing on the vehicle's radio provides the words , Panya provides background vocals --once more exclaiming her arrival as she comes , but this time , experiencing a much more intense orgasm than before .
"This is no blind fate
this is no sad or sorry dream
This is no blind fate
your love
your love is real
gonna crown you with my heart... "
After she has sufficiently recovered , Panya kisses him warmly and then suggestively rubs the protrusion running along his inner thigh that is struggling to escape confinement from within his trousers .
When finally , he slides within her , her body tremors , enjoying a wonderful sense of fullness . He drives slowly at first to allow her pussy to stretch out in accommodation of its guest . Then when her breathing grows heavier he begins to thrust more rapidly . She lifts her thighs up resting her feet on the back of his legs .
"Do it , Baby , "she whispers .
He slides , at first , up and down , the pelvic ' in and out' thrusting motion instinctively characteristic to mammals , but then breaks from the pattern and begins making clockwise circles with his hips , churning the barrel of her pussy with his rod . As friction builds within , he hears her declarative , "Oh yes , just like that ."
He grinds against her with greater force -- more intensity as she responds by pressing down harder with the heels of her feet into him . As her pleasure multiplies , she digs deeper with her heels contracting her leg muscles powerfully enough to lift her thighs and pelvis up towards him , drawing closer to the instrument creating the growing pleasure spreading throughout her body .
Her breathing becomes louder , more urgent , from the unending motion of his oar in her waters , strenuously rowing circles with his dick inside the depths of her pussy . Bracing himself fully on the palms of his hands and on his toes , he is suspended above her as her tightening leg muscles lift her body towards him .
Her arms reassert themselves , hands adjusting their grip , alternating between his neck and shoulders as she pulls with greater strength trying to improve her hold on him . Her head tilts backwards as her mouth opens and again a low- pitched moan from deep in her belly escapes .
"Oh God , yes ! " she exclaims as he alters the sway in his back for closer access , dipping in for additional perineum friction .
As she nears the edge , Panya throws her head uncontrollably from one side and then the other , but there is nowhere for her to turn to escape what her heart knows her soul is about to unleash .
Only the top of her head and part of her shoulders now remain on the vehicle floor as the rest of her body is pulled upwards , lifted by the strength of her thigh muscles trembling , contracting and her heels digging into his flesh as the first signs of an enormous orgasm begins convulsing their way through her .
Her mouth opens fully as she instinctively attempts , but is unable to cry out , releasing only a wheezing sound of lungs somehow deprived of oxygen .
After a brief second she is able to resume breathing , awaiting the next set of convulsions her body tells her are imminent , when suddenly , the churning stops and the mammalian thrusting resumes in the form of a powerful series of quick , deep jabs when he drops to one knee and seizes her by her hips and ass for added leverage as he begins ramming into her with enough repeated force to knock down a wall , yet this time she is able to verbalize her approval as she cries out , first breathlessly and then loudly , " Oh shit ! ...Ohshi...Ohshi... Oh... OhOh Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! NNnnnnnnnnuuhhhh! "
Panting desperately in the continuous after-shocks , she is barely able to breathe , but she has driven him to the point where reason fades . By now he is crazed and relentless . Knowing that this is what she wants , she throws her right leg over his head so that now both thighs are tightly pressed together , her calves against his right shoulder .
Holding her with his arms wrapped around both thighs , he lifts her up so that only part of her shoulders , the back of her head and neck are in contact with the floor of the small van .
She scoots her arms underneath her and attempts to stabilize her weight on her elbows , to brace herself against the strength of the endless jabbing , but he is out of control by now and the force of his thrustings make it impossible for her to maintain any anything similar to equilibrium .
More icy pre-chills leaping up her spine signal again to Panya the arrival of what she knows her body cannot evade as her hips and abdomen again resume bucking and gyrating while her repeated shrieks and pantings in the night again fill the cramped space .
After a time , he grimaces , throws back his head as every muscle tenses , trembles as he delivers a long and deep groan . After a pause , he continues slowly , with easy , rhythmic strokes even as she lay helpless while she recovers , momentarily , as lively as a rag doll .
Currently listening :
Lovers Live
By Sade
posted by dsekou at 11:01 AM
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